Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to
do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,
religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us
splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its
part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get
on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed
limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest
sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report
from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.
No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can
be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,
Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the
fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so
absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide
a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye
and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise
to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray
beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and
safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.
And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't
you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon
and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,
Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid
of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's
a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like
hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim
for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator
hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks
ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive
in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's
the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened
to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's
a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that the government plans on legislation
making it compulsory, sir."
Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
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